Hello, stranger! This post is going to be a little bit different.
“Nobody is perfect.” We tell that ourselves all the time, but do we truly believe in those words? Probably not, but we should. We all have some kind of flaw and there is no denying. So, why is it so hard to accept it!? I don’t have the answer and I won’t ever know it, but that’s just fine. I’m trying to live my imperfect life the best I know and can.
It’s not easy to live in a world where everything is based around looks. I’m not the most prettiest girl in the world, but I like to think that I not ugly either. Most people judge you for your looks, that’s a fact, but don’t let them discourage you. I truly believe that inner beauty is the most important thing. So, I think that you are beautiful, yes, you stranger, you are beautiful to me and don’t ever forget that!
I know I’m not perfect and that’s fine with me. I am aware that I have some kind of anxiety disorder and it’s hard sometimes. I have days when I don’t want to go outside because I may have to talk to people and I’m always tired. I push myself in those situations to go against it. I take walks in crowded places and motivate myself to do all sorts of things which are anxiety triggers. I usually have it under control with music (I do everything with music, life looks much brighter with it) or an audio book. I just finished Felicia Day’s book “You’re Never Weird on the Internet (Almost)” and I truly recommend it to anyone with anxiety or if you are into gaming, you should definitely listen to it.
Back to the main story of this post. So, I get very nerves around new people and they usually talk about themes of which I have no interest or I never heard of. I hate it when they start to talk about things what’ve happened to them because I wasn’t there, I feel left out and finally I end up silent. I try to communicate, I really do, but my brain just goes wild in those situations and I have no control over it. I should probably go to a psychiatric to talk about all my problems, but I am afraid that he will find out some other bigger issues. Someday, I will definitely go, but for now I will continue my struggles, until I gether some more courage. Till then, I won’t let my demons take control over my life!
Sometimes I feel depressed (everyone does), but in those situations I feel like I’m all alone in this world and I have nobody to rely on. I know that’s not true! I tell myself: “You have your lovely family and friends! You are not alone!”, but then I realise. I’m alone in my 2x2m room with my pet hamster. My family moved away and my friends too. – “You are all alone in Croatia.” The truth is I really am alone, but I know they moved because they had to if they wanted a better life. My depressing thoughts start to grow and grow….luckly I always snap out of it with music. In those situations I listen to TWENTY ØNE PILØTS because their music gives me courage and motivation to not give up and to try harder.
There is a song which describes my life perfectly. It’s called Fake Happy by Paramore. I fake my happiness in front of others, because I don’t want them to worry and burden them even more. I’m always the happy-go-lucky person in my family and that’s something that isn’t supposed to change. So I act, I’m doing this for so long that now it comes almost naturally, but I’m still faking it. It’s hard, but I have to do it because everyone expects so much from me and they sacrificed so much for me already and I can’t be a hassle to them. This isn’t a healthy relationship which I have with myself, but it’s the only way I know. I should stop being fake happy, but it’s easier this way for everybody else.
Now that I wrote this, I realised, I’m pretty messed up. I just hope you learned something of all this, at least that there are others who don’t have it easy either, but don’t give up. Don’t let you inner demons win, don’t let them take control over your life!
If you have any questions, requests, noticed mistakes or something is on your mind, feel free to contact me or comment down below. So, have fun and stay awesome!